Rains of Breakup

It has been three months from my breakup.
I've passed through this very hard.
I though I can't handle it lightly.
But now, I think i managed it well.

All this breakup things really had great impacts of my life.
Make me change my decision, my dreams, and my future.

All sadness, and pain, and sorrow, and grief still not gone.
Emptiness.
A hole in my heart.
Left apart.

It's so hard than i thought.
The girl I thought the first time that she is The One, left me.
From love to hate.

These disappointments and anger explode in my whole body.
Distract my mind.
Change my perception of life.

The mirror cracked into pieces, and I have to collect in one by one.
But it can't be the same again.
It can't be the mirror again.
I have to find one.
Yeah, I have to find another one.

Serenity

Do you ever feel that you are angry to yourself, blame yourself for not have a good life, and have a thought to leave this cruel world?

Maybe it sounds silly, and stupid, and dumbest idea, but for me, the answer is Yes.

For the ones who knew me from high school or college, they will not recognise me as I am now.

Back then, I was a cheerful boy, colorful, talk-active even lousy, moodmaker, and center of attention. I had plenty of friends though. They must be not belief that I am a quiet person, introvert, gloomy, and less-friends like I am right now.

Yeah, I changed.

Situations made me changed.

It started in the end of 2011. One year I’ve worked in Jakarta. That is when she’s gone. And my partners at office blame me for my reckless, as the thought ‘breaking the law’, and end up I’ve been expeled from community.

Dissapointed. I lose my spirit. The one who courage me everytime, leave me alone in the darkness.

I’am drowning. Deep down.

What am I working for?

Why should have I been here?

I have no idea.

I feel alone, and lonely. Suffer. And pain. And sorrow.

I lose my hope. I feel like I lose everything in my life.

Then one year has passed. Nothing changed at all. The hole in my heart still wide open. I isolate myself from office. Everyday is a sadness I have to struggle.

And I am alone, and lonely.

Everynight is a long sleepless night.

I stressed out. Depressed.

I want to crying out but my tears won’t come down. I want to seek help, but no one will understand.

I am empty.

I don’t know what to do in my life. I have no purpose. I have no hope.

I have no one beside me.

Then I was transferred to another city. Surabaya. Everyhing’s new here. I thought it good for started a new life. I thought I’ll find my spirit here. Then come an unexpected incident. After 3 months, I have a typhus. 2 weeks of illness. Then that thought come back again. That suffer, and pain, and sorrow come back again.

I feel alone, and lonely.

What am I working for?

For who?

I am lying on my bed alone with no one help me. And I am far from home. And I don’t know what to do next. And I’m sick of this city.

At the end of April, I send a resign letter.

That’s what you do when you are depressed.

I lose my job. I lose my comfort career.

I lose everything.

Six months later, I decided. I make a breakthrough. I want to startover. Make a new life. So I throw back everything behind.

I want to be reborn.

Then I begin my searching for my trueself.

Who am i?
What am I going to do?

And What is my purpose in life?

2014, I work again. In a new office. New environment. Everything’s new.

Yes, it should be a good start. I really meant it.

Then, something happen. I thought it’s miracle. After 3 years, I fall in love again.

Not a good one in early. Everthing’s so upside down. Just like riding a roller-coaster.

This girl, I don’t know why I fall to this one, but she gives me that feeling again. All the goods and all the bads.

I managed to loved a person again, and being loved.

But we are just two magnets with same pole.

We love each other. Then we hurt each other. We forget the love while feeding hatred with our egos.

We are, just don’t fit.

Every fight ends up with me can’t sleep all the night. My head aches, and spinning around, and I can feel the blood ready to explode my brain. And I scream, and tears come down, and I am awake all night long.

It doesn’t sound right.

I feel it again. My depressed is coming back.

Everytime she mads at me, and angry, and talk evil worlds, it hurts me a lot.

Four times. She decides to break over our relationship. Yes, you hear it clearly, four times. And that four times, I am begging to her, down on kneel, just to convince her not to leave me. Cause I don’t want that feeling come back again. I don’t want that suffers, pains, sorrows, aloneness, happen again.

I don’t want to be stress. I don’t want to be depressed again.

I don’t want my life crush like three years ago.

I don’t want that all.

I just want serenity.

In Doubt

Every time i wake up, my head is spinning. Such a great headache i feel. And i don't know why. Maybe i had a bad dream last night. But hey, 7 from 10 of my dreams are the bad ones. And it makes me uncomfortable.

I remember the pain i got years before. Suffer, lonely, hopeless, altogether create a hole right in my heart. A hole that haunting me around. A hole that can't shut. And it's painful.

Years later, and i fall in love again. I thought that love can fill my hole. Can shut it forever, and bring the peace in my life. But then, just like before, i'm totally wrong.

My love isn't as beauty as i thought. My love isn't as pure as i thought. My love isn't... Aahh i'm not sure if this is love.
I don't know. There's a doubt in my mind that wondering me around. Uncertainly.

And when it comes to marriage, my doubt growing bigger and bigger. I don't know what is essential on marry someone. What make us certain, a hundred percent, that we make a right choice for live with the one till the end of time.

I don't know what the correlation of love and marriage. But for me, a hopeless romantic who wants live my life in peace, being able to married with the one who has same character, same idea, same vision, same understanding, and able to calm my heart and my mind... Yes, she is the one.

But now, hey, i don't know.

We Travel To The World of Adultness

If you mention a name of one interesting activity, or hobby, or anything that can make you forget the world for awhile, for me, it's traveling.

I love traveling just like Indonesian love rice. I love traveling just like Palembang people love pempek.
LiteralIy, i breath traveling.

But, it's couple years ago.
Now, it's gone. Just like carbon dioxide every time i exhale.

Days ago, my friends ask me for a trip. One for abroad, one for outer island, one for beach, and one for mountain. Even my girl ask me for a trip to another province.
But, i don't give interest at all.
I don't know, just some part of my soul is missing.  My passion for traveling has gone. Just as my age rises.

I had gone to another country, ride magnificent local train, talk with strangers, or just sitting around watching all local foreigners behaviour, accompanied by a cup of coffee.

It was amazing. It's awesome. It's unforgettable moment of my life.

But for me, right now, if i have some money, and spare times, all i want to do is going back home. To my homeland. Where my family is. Where i can talk anything with my father and mother. Where i can play along with my nephew. Where i miss my old me. My old time.

Home. I miss you.

Mati

Kapan kita mati?
Kenapa kita mati?
Tidak ada yang tahu. Tapi yang pasti kita akan mati.

Dead will come to us. In a good way. In a bad way. In a soft way. Or in a hard way. We'll die. Definitely.

Kadang terpikir, kita hidup buat apa?
Apa yang memotivasi hidup kita?

Apa semua ini hanyalah mimpi. Dan sebenarnya ketika kita mati, justru itulah kehidupan yang sebenarnya.

Kita tidak tahu.

Hidup atau mati. Kapan semua akan berakhir. Atau kapan semua akan bermula.

Kita tidak tahu.