In Doubt

Every time i wake up, my head is spinning. Such a great headache i feel. And i don't know why. Maybe i had a bad dream last night. But hey, 7 from 10 of my dreams are the bad ones. And it makes me uncomfortable.

I remember the pain i got years before. Suffer, lonely, hopeless, altogether create a hole right in my heart. A hole that haunting me around. A hole that can't shut. And it's painful.

Years later, and i fall in love again. I thought that love can fill my hole. Can shut it forever, and bring the peace in my life. But then, just like before, i'm totally wrong.

My love isn't as beauty as i thought. My love isn't as pure as i thought. My love isn't... Aahh i'm not sure if this is love.
I don't know. There's a doubt in my mind that wondering me around. Uncertainly.

And when it comes to marriage, my doubt growing bigger and bigger. I don't know what is essential on marry someone. What make us certain, a hundred percent, that we make a right choice for live with the one till the end of time.

I don't know what the correlation of love and marriage. But for me, a hopeless romantic who wants live my life in peace, being able to married with the one who has same character, same idea, same vision, same understanding, and able to calm my heart and my mind... Yes, she is the one.

But now, hey, i don't know.

We Travel To The World of Adultness

If you mention a name of one interesting activity, or hobby, or anything that can make you forget the world for awhile, for me, it's traveling.

I love traveling just like Indonesian love rice. I love traveling just like Palembang people love pempek.
LiteralIy, i breath traveling.

But, it's couple years ago.
Now, it's gone. Just like carbon dioxide every time i exhale.

Days ago, my friends ask me for a trip. One for abroad, one for outer island, one for beach, and one for mountain. Even my girl ask me for a trip to another province.
But, i don't give interest at all.
I don't know, just some part of my soul is missing.  My passion for traveling has gone. Just as my age rises.

I had gone to another country, ride magnificent local train, talk with strangers, or just sitting around watching all local foreigners behaviour, accompanied by a cup of coffee.

It was amazing. It's awesome. It's unforgettable moment of my life.

But for me, right now, if i have some money, and spare times, all i want to do is going back home. To my homeland. Where my family is. Where i can talk anything with my father and mother. Where i can play along with my nephew. Where i miss my old me. My old time.

Home. I miss you.

Mati

Kapan kita mati?
Kenapa kita mati?
Tidak ada yang tahu. Tapi yang pasti kita akan mati.

Dead will come to us. In a good way. In a bad way. In a soft way. Or in a hard way. We'll die. Definitely.

Kadang terpikir, kita hidup buat apa?
Apa yang memotivasi hidup kita?

Apa semua ini hanyalah mimpi. Dan sebenarnya ketika kita mati, justru itulah kehidupan yang sebenarnya.

Kita tidak tahu.

Hidup atau mati. Kapan semua akan berakhir. Atau kapan semua akan bermula.

Kita tidak tahu.

The Evolution of Me

As i born a male, i found that life would be fun. Following my childhood as a boy, naughty and yet scumbag sometimes. Do what i want, and be i want to be.

As i grown up being a teen-male, my attitudes also grown. From scumbag to an asshole. A selfish self-centered jerk who just want to play and have fun.

As i'm being adult. Maturity came in the form of tears of broken heart. Yes, i fell in love. Many times. And it hurts. Full of suffer. A lot.

As i'm now. I feel empty. Don't know what to do. Don't know what i want. Don't know what i need. And the worst part is, i don't know who i am.

I'm just.... Shit, i don't know.

Tuhan, Aku Ingin Bicara

Tuhan

Jika memungkinkan

Aku ingin duduk bersama-Mu

Ngobrol ngalur-ngidul

Sambil meneguk secangkir kopi

Kita akan berbicara tentang alam semesta

Sampai eksistensi kecoa di dunia

Lalu aku akan bertanya tentang dunia

Dan Kau mungkin tak akan menjawabnya

Walau berkali-kali kutanya

Aku pasti menangis di hadap-Mu

Menumpahkan semua keluh kesahku

Karena dihadap-Mu pasrahku jatuh

Akulah hamba yang sering melupakan-Mu

Tuhan

Aku ingin bicara

Kutahu Kau selalu mendengar setiap Sholat dan doa

Yang setiap hari kuhantarkan

Untuk Kau peluk, dan wujudkan